Sunday, October 1, 2017

Creative Stories - Leave your feedback!!!

Scroll Down to see each story!!! In the comments section refer to the classmate you are giving feedback to and then leave your observations. I simply copy and pasted materials into the blog. I have not corrected grammar or changed structures... That's for you to do!!

Make sure everyone gets feedback!!


1.  ZOO By Laura Kate

My name is Bob from the planet Gastron 7. Two days ago, I crash landed on a planet called Earth. There are life forms here, like the ones I have read about. I think they are called humans. When I crashed on the surface of this planet, I found myself in the middle of a field. A little ways off, I could see some sort of structure with humans walking in and out of it. As I got closer, the sign read “ZOO.” I have studied a few of the languages that humans speak, and I believe this word, “zoo,” is in English; however, I have no idea what it means. I decided to wait until nightfall to enter this zoo, and see why the humans were so enthused by it.

I climbed over the fences to enter the zoo, and in front of me were multiple pathways leading off in different directions. I decided to start with the one on the left. There were no lights to guide me, and I quickly found myself almost running straight into a fence. I was quite confused by the placement of this fence when suddenly, I saw something moving beyond it. At first, I thought it was some sort of monster. The creature was very tall, gold, and covered with brown spots. I was fascinated by this life form, which I had never read about in any of my studies of Earth. I continued to watch the creature for a few more minutes, and then proceeded on my path.

I came to another fence, and beyond it was a pond with some sort of strange looking creatures standing in it. Their bodies were pink, and they each had a long, thin neck with a beak at the end. These life forms had extremely thin legs as well, which made them appear very elegant. I watched as they stood in the water, while some walked around their environment.

Realizing that these fences were a reoccuring thing, I began to look out for them. I came to one enclosure after another, and observed these strange creatures. Each one was different from the next, and I found them all to be quite fascinating. Some were gigantic, gray, and wrinkly with long noses and big ears. Others were large, white, and furry, with black spots on their bodies and around their ears and eyes. Still others were black and hairy with long arms and silver backs. Finally, there were some even smaller creatures that stood upright, with black and white bodies, beaks, and wings.

Each one of these life forms was unique, yet beautiful. I decided I rather enjoyed this spot called “ZOO,” and I did not leave until I had discovered every corner of this magical place. When I finally didget back to Gastron 7, I told everyone that humans are real, and about all of the wonderful creatures that inhabit the Earth at a place called “ZOO.”



2.  Which do you think is more important: motorized vehicles like cars and airplanes or computer?  By Rachel Garrison

The first powered vehicle was invented by Richard Trevithick in 1801, it was called the ‘Puffing Devil’ and it wasan “experiemental steam driven carriage”. This was the moment when the world would be changed for the better. Ever since this day, as a nation, we have grown tremendously in this category and there are so many im-portant things to show for it. All motorized vehicles: cars, planes, boats; these things all help with transportation, shipping, emergencies, and military. Even though these are only the more well known and widespread elements, there are still so many more reasons why motorized vehicles are more important that computers.

When going from place to place, it is always nice to walk or ride a bike down the street, but what happens when you need to travel for long distances or through bad weather? Taking a motorized vehicle for transportation in these circumstances is critical due to ones safety and health. Considering that walking and riding a bike are both very healthy things to do, but in moderation. Doing these things for long periods of time can be unhealthy due to the fact that you are putting excessive stress on your muscles and could potentially damage them, especially if you need to bring more things than you can carry. This is where the next element comes in.

Having transportation for shipping or carrying large loads is one of the top reasons why motorized vehicles are more important than computers. From things such as building a bridge or shipping materials you need some sort of way to get all of the materials from point A to point B. Even though people may say that this is minor, I believe that this is truly important due to the fact that not every material you need for a project could be within range for someone to build something. We wouldn’t be able to travel overseas or be able to learn from the people in different countries because we wouldn’t be able to get there safely.

The final elements that I believe help support my opinion that motorized vehicles are more important than com-puters is emergencies and military. I decided to group these two elements together as one because they are both one in the same. Having transportation that is fast and/or reliable to people in  military, EMT’s , police, firefight-ers make the world a safer place. For example, using an ambulance makes it to where the person in need gets to the hospital in time to save their life or the firefighters can get to your house in time before it goes up in flames. The military is the same, having to travel through rough or  dangerous, conditions in unprotected areas. Using a tank is both of these scenarios is very important because of the protected armor that the tank provides and also the traction of the wheels that they use, making it easier to travel over rough landscapes.

Motorized vehicles are a very important thing in our communities today and these are only some of the reasons as to why. Understanding the overlooked details, in this case the quality of life, supports my reasoning for pick-ing motorized vehicles over computers.

1. “Richard Trevithick introduces his “Puffing Devil”.” History.com, A&E Television Networks, www.history.com/this-day-in-history/ricard-trevithick-introduces-his-puffing-devil. Accessed 30 Sept. 2017




3. Our Day at the Zoo - By Preston Luk

Once upon a time I visited the zoo with my niece. My niece begged and begged for us to go because she wanted to see her favorite animal, the tall spotted neck. I finally gave in to the little monster and off  we went.

When we first got  to the zoo, we had to search all around to find that tall spotted neck. While searching, we heard a loud roar and went to see what it was. It was that big mane sharp teeth that were making all that noise. My niece was so impressed on how loud he could roar that we were there for hours.

Afterwards we were getting hungry, so we decided to get a quick snack. All a sudden we heard a loud noise like a trumpet, and stomping that shook the earth. We ran an around the corner to find it was a great gray long nose big ears. One of the wisest of animals, that never forgets. It almost captured all of her attention when out of the corner of our eyes, we saw something looking over the fence at us.
It was the tall spotted neck that my niece was on a quest to see. We walked over to the pin to see this animal looking down at us like we were ants. My niece got the biggest smile to finally see her favorite animal in person for the first time. She could not contain her excitement and curiosity about the tall spotted neck that we were there for the rest of the day.

Finally went it was the time for the zoo to close. We had to get kicked out just to get her to leave, along with some bridling. On the way home, she said that I was her favorite uncle and that this is the best day she has ever had. We both left the zoo that day feeling great and exhausted, never to return again.




4. Pretend you get to make one rule that everyone in the world must follow. What rule do you make and why?  By Kira Kowolik

We are affected by people’s actions, it’s a kinetic cycle of action and reaction between beings. In this current society of with racial tension, the only way to alleviate hatred is for the government to prevent more violence with a worldwide solution. By creating a utopia for people to experience true happiness and peace. We can control this utopia by following one simple rule; treat others with kindness. Not just kindness, but a true understanding that we are all equals, and deserve respect.

Why would this rule make the world different? Turn on any media outlet and there will be a story about violence or terror somewhere in the world. Corrupted political leaders give people the idea that violence is okay, which provokes more destruction. If everyone would follow a law that would benefit society, what would happen then?
The world would experience a revolutionary change if this rule went into place. Less racial prejudice, lower crime, homelessness rates and poverty. If everyone cared about people’s wellbeing as their own we would have open doors to freedom and create a new way of life.  Peace for humankind has been a challenging goal over the decades, and if it is achieved it is always short lived.

With so much revolution in our technology, and advancements in society the one thing that we haven’t fixed is our blatant disregard of each other as humans. People take advantage, lash out, and start the vicious cycle of unnecessary violence. The world is so close to war, it’s only a missile away from destroying life as we know it. It’s uncertain when or even if there will be another war, but fighting in its entirety will never stop unless people change.

It’s in the worst moments that people are brought together out of shared empathy, sadness, or anger. Humans have an amazing ability to grow stronger as they are unified; supporting each other in the most challenging difficulties. It’s this ability that can overcome hatred, racism, and violence. In the moments where this weakness is shown, it becomes a shared strength. If kindness was an actual law, our society would be blessed with knowing our world is at peace with each other.




5.  Eryn Speer


“What’s that bright light? Where am I? What’s going on?” These were the thoughts swirling around in James’ head as he arose. As James started to stand up from where he had been sleeping, he felt a sharp pain in his back. Soon, he realized that not only had he been lying on the ground, but a jagged rock had also been cutting into his lower back. He winced as he stood. “There’s that light again” he thought to himself, shielding his eyes from the lightthis hand as he looked up to see. The light was not hot; it gave off absolutely no heat. In fact, James was neither hot nor cold, he was perfectly comfortable. “Am I inside? No. I can’t be. I was just lying on the ground” James thought. Still waiting for his eyes to adjust to the light, James tried to get his bearings. Slowly, he began to look around. There were trees, bushes, grass, a stream, the small area of dirt and rocks he was standing in, and the light; still no heat, but too bright to look into. The light was straight up in the middle of the sky. “It must be around noon.” James thought. 

Suddenly, a disturbing feeling came over him, something wasn’t right. “It’s too quiet.” James thought. Even in his own head he knew that sounded cliché, but it was true. Immediately he began to notice everything that was missing. There was no breeze, no voices from any other people, even the wasn’t really a stream. “The stream isn’t even moving, it’s more like a pond.” James realized. Cautiously he began to touch the grass, the trees, and the water. “If I’m not outside, all of these things cant be real,” but he was wrong. The grass, the trees, the water, leaves, dirt, rocks, everything was as real as could be and perfectly healthy. James, still uncertain as to what was happening, began to walk. 

He walked out of the dirt, across a small grassy clearing, and to the woods. Contemplating whether or not to go into the woods alone, he stood still, nervous. After about a minute, he decided to continue, he needed to find out where he was. However, after about twenty feet into the woods, he ran into something so hard it made him fall down backwards. “What the heck!” he shouted, although there was nothing and no one there to hear him. He stood up, and began taking small steps very slowly with his hands held out in front of him, and sure enough, there it was! His right palm hit it first, what felt like a cold, hard wall, only to James his hand looked like it was held out in midair. He began to move his hand to the right, and the wall kept going. Walking with his hands out to the side now, he started walking faster and faster. The wall, he realized, was curved and he started to feel himself walking in a rather large circle. James, soon out of the woods, was walking in the stream. He continued to follow the wall out of the stream, through the grassy clearing and back to where he started. He guessed the circle was about a hundred feet in diameter.

Tired and hungry and confused, James retreated back to the clearing. He decided it was more of a meadow than a clearing. He started to take notice of everything around him. There were so many types of beautiful flowers and plants, but it still didn’t change the fact that James was trapped. A few hours went by, then suddenly the ground, about thirty feet away from him, began to shake. A crack appeared on the ground and light began to flood in through the crack. This was a different type of light than the one overhead, a light more natural. “Sunlight?” James thought. The crack began moving upwards and James realized it must be the wall he had felt previously. He approached it carefully with his hands out in front of him just as before. His hands hit the surface, James heart dropped, “Still trapped” he thought. But as his eyes adjusted to the light streaming in, he saw the strangest sight. He was looking out of some sort of a window at a few odd looking creatures. 

The creatures were all different shapes and sizes. Short and tall, skinny and fat, most had four legs, some had tails, and all were covered in fur. The first he saw had a very long neck and was tall will spots all over the body. Another had a long tail and was hanging by it, upside down from a tree. Another creature came by the window, closer than the others. This one was small and wasn’t walking but “hopping?” James thought. The creature’s ears were much larger than the rest of its body. More and more continued to come. James couldn’t do anything but watch, jaw open, confused. They seemed to be coming towards him, but they all stopped before they hit the window. They were all staring. Soon there was a large crowd of the creatures standing before him. Next came static from an intercom, it was coming from the other side of the window, but James could still hear it. To the right of the window James could see one of the creatures standing on a podium. This one was very large, larger than all the others, and gray. It had the biggest ears James had ever seen and a long tube protruding from its face. Then it spoke, and James realized that whatever it was, it was female. The creature had a soft, higher pitch voice, but it spoke with authority.

She said, “Hello everyone! Welcome to the Brooklyn Zoo and happy Freedom Day! As you know, on this day fifty years ago our friends and family stood up and fought for us to be able to live as we wish, and what a day that was! The Brooklyn Zoo would like to thank you all for coming it its unveiling of the first display! James was born here at the zoo and has been living with us for 32 years! As you all are aware, up until now the zoo has just been used as a place of housing for their kind, but today that all changes! We wiped his memory yesterday to give him a more unique and pure experience here in the meadow display. If he seems a little confused and skittish, do not be alarmed, just proceed to the glass slowly. James is currently in a state-of-the-art display. While the curtains are down, his enclosure looks to him as if it goes on for miles, however if the curtains are raised, as they are now, he will be able to see us through the front part of the enclosure, but the back part will appear as usual. It is his kind that used to keep us locked up, but since Freedom Day and thanks to our ancestors, we have been able to live our lives as they are meant to be! That’s why for the 50th anniversary we decided to reopen the Brooklyn Zoo but this time we will stand proudly on the outside looking in! So without further ado, the moment we have been waiting for, for so long, JAMES!”


16 comments:

  1. Comment to Eryn Speer from Rachel Garrison

    I enjoyed your paper overall, the different perspective of the storyteller made the story mysterious and exciting for the viewer. Up until the end, I believed that the James we were speaking of being a creature and yet it was a human. Giving the audience a small glimpse of what is in store for them during the story in the beginning and changing their expectations completely gives the storyteller the upper hand. Letting every detail of the story draw the viewer into what they believe is going to happen, then switching it around, keeping the reader interested and questioning. Loved the detail in describing the surroundings and feelings of the characters.

    Some of the things that I would change grammatically would be:

    Tired, hungry, confused; James retreated back......
    Even in his own head, he knew that sounded cliché,.....
    This one was smaller and wasn’t walking, but....
    That’s why for the 50th anniversary, we decided....

    Image Suggestions:
    Your image was creative, showing the different animals coming together to make their environment a better place. Yet, I believe that you could have gone much deeper into your story. Maybe having a blacked out paper with a human standing in the middle of an enclosure with bright eyes staring at him. This could continue that mysterious nature of your story. Another idea could be having an image of the animals as people in a zoo scene; guards, zookeepers, and customers. Having the balloon heads of people instead of animals or stuffed animals in kid animal arms. My final idea about the drawing could be something that represents freedom in America, maybe the flag, and making the stripped different animal patterns like you did. Giving the image a slight concept behind it, better giving the viewer the connection to the story.

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  2. Comment to Kira Kowolik from Preston Luk

    I feel like you have thought a lot about this topic and chose your rule wisely. It would be better if everyone treated each other with kindness; truly putting yourself in another's shoes and helping them out. Like the use of bringing in the media to support your choice and things that really are relevant in today's society.

    First paragraph it says society of with, but I would take out of.
    On the second paragraph wellbeing looks odd don't know if its 1 word or 2.

    Image:
    I see where your are going but remember to ask yourself "What if?". No the image is fairly strong would be nice if I had a horrible part of the world and then something to represent kindness to having a better part of the world. Overall good job!!

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  3. Comment to Preston Luk from Rachel Garrison

    The story was very to the point, but still expressed the creativity and fun of a young child, in this case your niece. I believe to make a bit more suspense in the story, you could have tried describing the animals more in depth. I noticed that you used the names that your niece used for these animals. Bringing in the experience of the child, you could have made the perspective through the child’s eyes. Describing the textures that the child felt while feeling these animals or the feelings that they felt (anger, fear, etc.) while seeing the animals. Is it for the first time or have they seen them before? Are they big? How big? Making these small changes will both expand your story, but also give the reader a better vision of what you’re describing, drawing them into the story.
    As far as your grammar goes, you did great. Didn’t see any commas out of place or misspelling throughout the short story.
    Your image was very descriptive and well executed. I enjoyed looking down at the illustration while reading your story, giving the reader a visual to help them see through the narrator’s eyes. I would have loved to see it in color, but the lines are so well placed in the drawing that it is not necessary to have.
    Overall, your creative assignment was to the point and expressed the idea that it was set out to make.

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  4. Comment to Rachel Garrison from Kira Kowolik

    Overall your story is very informational, to the point, and explains your reasoning behind the answer you chose to defend. To make a factual, and intellectual writing piece it would have been interesting to hear a story behind one of the vehicles as well, like how someone's life had been saved by a plane coming to the rescue. Having a real-life example can back up factual research in a entertaining way.

    Grammatically there are a few changes I suggest:
    • Space between "wasan"
    • Take out dashes between: com-puters, firefight-ers, pick-ing
    • Instead of ending the second paragraph with "this is where the element.." Explain more of the next topic you'll be talking about, versus "this" doesn't really give context as to what subject you're talking about and it sounds vague, and doesn't lead into the next paragraph well.

    I think your illustration reflects the story you wrote, however considering the illustrations are not abstract and the audience can tell what they are, you don't need to add the text as titles.




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  5. Comment to Laura Kate from Kira Kowolik

    Excellent use of creativity in your story, your writing flows well and is cohesive with a beginning, middle and end. The end is a bit abrupt however, I wish the alien had stolen one of the animals as a pet so he could show his "friends" since he loves them so much. Or described how he got home. Overall, the story makes sense, and your descriptive words make the viewer understand what type of animal he is looking at; following the directions of the prompt.

    Grammatically, I have a few suggestions for your writing:
    • First and second sentence can be combined so add the comma after Gastron 7, and take out comma after two days so it's not broken up.
    • In the sentence, "I quickly found myself almost running straight into a fence", I would take out the word almost, and straight so it reads, "I quickly found myself running into a fence".

    Finally, your illustration is very simple but it portrays the meaning of your story since the alien refers to the word "zoo" not knowing what it really means. The word itself is made up of these creatures which ties back into the story of these "mysterious beings". The only thing I would add is more textures of animals so the word has all of the animals you talked about.

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  6. Comment to Eryn Speer from Preston Luk

    So I really enjoyed reading this piece. Instead of talking about the animals in a zoo you decided to go a very creative route with the person being a display at one. At first I Thought James was taken by aliens or something from the bright light so I'm glad you explained that they wiped his memory. Overall I think you put a lot of effort and imagination to this story.

    With grammar these are the thing that I would look at.
    - so first paragraph lightthis needs a space
    - second paragraph cant needs a '
    - third paragraph I would "to the woods" to "into the woods"
    - Second to last paragraph I would change soft to softer

    I guess the last thing to talk about is your drawing. I really wish it was the perspective James looking out at the animals that he saw. I do
    enjoy that you added color to your piece, and I get the light. I just feel that you could have pushed it more with the perspective. You did great job and was very creative.

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  7. Critique for Rachel from Laura Kate

    I thought your piece for why you believe vehicles are more important than computers, was interesting. Your ideas are also well thought of. However, while you have reasons for why vehicles are important, your essay does not include reasons for why they are MORE important than computers. I believe your essay would be much stronger if you included a counter argument.

    Overall, your word choice needs to be stronger; using more advanced language would help to elevate your essay. Your grammar and punctuation does need some work as well.

    Here is a list of grammatical and mechanical errors I found in your piece:
    - There are three places where you have dashes in the middle of words: “com-puters (paragraph 4),” “firefight-ers (paragraph 4),” and “pick-ing (paragraph 5).” These need to be taken out.
    - Place a semicolon after 1801.
    - Place a comma after “the ‘Puffing Devil.’”
    - “Wasan” should be two words.
    - Make sure you place periods inside quotation marks. The period after “’experimental steam driven carriage’” should be moved inside the quotation marks rather than outside.
    - Take out the sentence, “This was the moment…” because in a way, you are repeating yourself in the next sentence.
    - Where it says, “we have grown tremendously in this category,” state what you are talking about. What is the category that you are referring to?
    - In the second paragraph, where it reads “…is critical due to ones safety and health,” exchange “for” in place of “due to.” The words “due to,” act the same way as “caused by,” which is not the correct wording for this particular sentence.
    - In the next sentence, take out the phrase, “considering that.” It does not make sense in this sentence, because you do not complete the entire thought.
    - In the next sentence, place a comma after the word “unhealthy.” Also, break this sentence into two separate sentences, as this will make your thoughts clearer to read.
    - Place a comma after the word “shipping materials,” in the next paragraph.
    - Break the next sentence into two sentences. Also, place a comma after the word “important.”
    - Change “wouldn’t” to “would not.”
    - In the last sentence of this paragraph, place a comma after the word “countries.”

    **critique is continued in the next comment

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  8. Critique for Rachel from Laura Kate Continued

    - Place a comma after “computers,” in the first sentence of the fourth paragraph.
    - Place a comma after the first “one” that appears in the next sentence.
    - In the next sentence, replace “to people” with “for people.”
    - Place the word “the” in front of the word “military.”
    - Take out the extra space between “in” and “military,” as well as between “EMT’s” and the comma.
    - Place the word “and” before “firefighters.”
    - Place a comma after the word “firefighters.”
    - The sentence that begins with “for example…” is a run-on sentence. Break this into two separate sentences, and change the wording so your thoughts are clearer. This will help your sentence flow better.
    - Where you wrote “the military is the same,” change “the same” to “similar.” Your reasons for the military vehicles are not the same as your reasons for the firetrucks and ambulances, but they do have similar aspects.
    - Take out the extra space between “or” and “dangerous.”
    - There is no need for the comma between “dangerous” and “conditions.”
    - In the next sentence, replace the word “is” with the word “in.”
    - Replace the word “both” with the word “each.”
    - Replace the word “protected” with the word “protective.”
    - Split the last sentence of the fourth paragraph into two separate sentences.
    - In the last sentence of the last paragraph, place a comma after the word “case,” and remove the comma after “life.”

    As far as the visual goes, I enjoy the playfulness of your illustration. I think it is interesting how each aspect of your paper is incorporated into one image; this is done in such a way that the separate aspects look as though they are apart of the same scene. Instead of typing out the words for “shipping,” “military,” and “firefighters,” I think it would have worked well if you hand wrote the text. This would have made your piece a little more cohesive.

    While I do enjoy your illustration, I think it would have been interesting if you drew something less obvious, so the audience would have to read your essay in order to understand the visual.

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  9. Critique for Preston from Laura Kate

    Overall, I think your story is well written and clever. However, I do think you could have been a bit more creative with it. I think the descriptions of the animals are clever and not too vague, so the reader can still understand which animals you are referring to. I do believe your word choice could be improved a little bit in order to elevate your story further. I did find a few grammatical and mechanical errors in your paper as well:
    - In the last sentence of the first paragraph, remove the extra space between “off” and “we.”
    - In first sentence of the second paragraph, remove the extra space between “got” and “to.”
    - In the next sentence, change “were” to “was.” Since you are talking about one animal it should not be plural.
    - Change “on” to “with” in the next sentence.
    - In the first sentence of the third paragraph, place a comma after “afterwards.”
    - Change “all a sudden” to “all of a sudden,” and place a comma after “sudden.”
    - In that same sentence, I would add the word “felt” before the word “stomping.” The way your sentence reads now, it sounds as though you “heard a loud noise” and you also heard “stomping that shook the earth.” If this was your intention, then leave it as is. However, I think it makes more sense to feel the “stomping that shook the earth” rather than to hear it.
    - In the next sentence, take out the word “an.”
    - After the word “ears,” add a semicolon instead of a period.
    - In the next sentence, add a comma after the word “attention.”
    - Next, it seems as though you tried to break the paragraph after the word “us.” I would keep this as one paragraph, since they are both contain similar thoughts.
    - In the last sentence of the third paragraph, place a comma after “tall spotted neck.”
    - The first sentence of the last paragraph does not make sense. Remove the word “went,” and add a comma after “finally.”
    - In the second sentence, “bridling” is not a word that makes sense here. However, it would make sense if you replaced it with the word “bribing.”

    As far as your illustration goes, I think it reflects your story very well. I enjoy how there are multiple scenes in the same image; it reminds me of a comic, and it works very well. I also appreciate how you drew your piece rather than creating it digitally. This gives it more of a personal feel which also adds to the personal feel of your story. The only issue I have with your drawing is the two green bursts on opposite corners of the page. If they are leaves, I would have liked to see them come out further, and maybe add more of them so they read as leaves. While your piece is interesting, I think that adding color to it would further the visual interest. Overall, I think your visual was very well done.

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  12. Critique for Laura Kate for "ZOO"

    I thought it was a very fun story to read. I its a story that you can one day make into a children's book.

    I found 7 grammatical errors:

    1. crash landed vs. Crash-landened (compound word)L1-2
    2. A little vs. Little L5
    3. No comma needed because you are using (and)
    After ZOO L9
    After Minutes L20
    After Another L28

    4. Reoccuring vs. Reoccurring L27
    5. (,) after still L 38
    6. was vs. were L42
    7. Didet vs. did get L43

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  13. Critique for Kira

    Kira, this is a strong piece. I found a couple of sentences that were confusing. Here are suggestions to that can help those sentences flow better.

    sentence 2 is a little confusing: suggested

    In this current society with racial tension, the only way to alleviate hatred is for the government to prevent violence by creating a worldwide solution.

    sentence 3
    By creating a utopia, people can experience true happiness and peace.

    If everyone would follow a law that would benefit society, what would happen then? The world would experience a revolutionary change (if this rule went into place.)
    () delete. You are answering the question.

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  15. Critique for Kira

    I can tell you believe strongly about this topic and I completely agree. I think it was very tactful to write this without revealing your stance on any issues, political or otherwise. By remaining neutral you reach a larger audience and can more easily captivate them with your writing.

    Sentences to change:
    paragraph one: "In this current society of with racial tension..."
    paragraph three: "With so much revolution in our technology, and advancements in society the one thing that we haven’t fixed is our blatant disregard of each other as humans." There needs to be a comma after society.

    image: Your image is very interesting and draws the viewer in. The line down the middle keeps your eye moving around. The longer you look, the more you find. I'm glad I kept looking because I realized the whole Earth is the yin yang! I think that was a very interesting and effective approach, I just wished the fact that the Earth is a yin yang would have been more "in your face" because it took me a while to realize it.

    Overall, well written and interesting piece, very captivating image!

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  16. Critique for Preston

    This was a good story, but it seems like just the tip of the iceberg. I wish you would have written more, or had something unexpected happen. I enjoyed how you described the animals in place of using their names, however, I am uncertain as to whether you were describing the animals or if the descriptions were their names. If the descriptions were their names, you should have capitalized the adjectives. If the descriptions were just descriptions, commas needed to be used to separate the adjectives.

    Specifics to change:
    paragraph three:
    "All a sudden" should be "all of a sudden".
    "We ran an around the corner" the word "an" needs to be deleted.
    "One of the wisest of animals, that never forgets." sentence fragment.
    "She could not contain her excitement and curiosity about the tall spotted neck that we were there for the rest of the day." change "that" to "and so,"
    "Finally went it was the time for the zoo to close." sentence fragment

    Image: Your image is really nice! The "collage" idea is very effective and the details in your drawing are great!

    Overall, fun story and amazing drawing!

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